” What Do You Want?!”

“…D— it!  What do you want?!”

We all remember that scene from “The Notebook” well, don’t we?




What are you supposed to do when you don’t know the answer to that question?

I know what I want: I want peace.  I want to feel whole.  I want to feel worthy.  I want to feel like someone will care if I live or die.  I want to feel anything aside the ticking of the clock as the time passes by.  I don’t want life to happen to me; I want to feel … anything.

Because right now…I’m realizing that I don’t feel anything.  Nothing at all.


Page One … Of 365



Actually, it’s day two of 365, so I’m already behind.

Typical of me these days.

It’s a New Year.  I wish I could see it with Calvin’s undying imagination and optimism.  Maybe I’m wishing for a simpler time.  When life really was as simple as getting on your sled and having an adventure with you best friend–real, stuffed, or imaginary.  Maybe I’m wishing I knew what that felt like.  I don’t think I was ever a kid.  I don’t think I ever really played and imagined and saw the world in unending possibility.

I might have to ask my mom about that one.

I feel like I’ve always seen the world in an absolute way, in the light and shade of the teaching and molding of adults and authority around me.  My parents said “this” is right, so it must be.  My teacher said “this” is true, so I believed them.  It didn’t occur to me to imagine or play outside of those confines.

I’m not knocking absolute truth.  I believe that there is a place for absolute truths in this world.  This is a commentary on my psyche and thought process.   Maybe it’s why, as I close in quickly on 40, I’m itching.  I’m itching to stretch, to grow.  To shed this skin that confines me.

Did I just use myself in a reptilian analogy?  I generally detest them; I must be desperate.

Truth be told, I’m struggling.  I feel like I’m nearly middle aged and have nothing to show for it.  I have fleeting moments of happiness, things that make me happy, but no real joy.  I find myself wondering if this is as good as it gets?  Is this going to be my life?  Counting time until God says it’s the end?

Have I been treading water until my real life begins?  You know; the husband, the kids, the white picket fence?  The sensible, appropriate life that I was told to expect?  Because I can’t possibly be fulfilled any other way.  Everyone says so.  If not in word, then in the way that they relate to me.  In the way that they ask me what I’m doing these days and then ask, “Not seeing anyone?” as if they won’t believe my life is good enough until they hear that I am.

That infuriates me, but how can I be mad at them?  Deep inside, in the places that I don’t want to examine too much, I believe them.  I must.  why else would I feel empty and feel like I’ve failed at life?  That its somehow my fault that I’ve been left out?

I feel like I’ve failed at my job.  It doesn’t look that way to others.  My co-workers and family ask how many other people I know have been trusted with the management and development of two departments without purposely pursuing a management track?  That’s amazing!  I guess.  I think I enjoy it…it feels natural…but it takes a lot out of me, too.  I see the gray starting to creep into my hair.  I can feel the mental and physical exhaustion at the end of the day.  It doesn’t make me feel alive; it doesn’t feel good.  I don’t leave feeling like I’ve accomplished a good day’s work.  I usually think of all the ways I’ve failed and how they are likely going to come back to bite me tomorrow, making it harder than today.  Is it worth it?  Does it really make me happy?  Make me feel like I have purpose in this life?

Maybe that’s what I’m missing; purpose.

It’s raining today.  The sky is gloomy, and it’s the kind of day that makes you want to crawl back under the covers and go to sleep.  Kind of like my mood.

Rain isn’t always gloom and doom, though.  It’s nourishing; restorative.  That’s what I’m longing for.  Nourishment.  Restoration.  Where do I find it?

In 2017, I hope to find out.


Happy 2016!

Wow.  2016?  When did that happen?  Remember when it was a big deal to be entering a new century?  How does sixteen years just…*poof*…fly away?

And what have we to show for nearly two decades of time?  A new year always brings about reflection, and this year, I’m feeling  especially reflective.

I’m not sure I’m particularly happy about what I see.

It’s a feeling that has been bubbling and percolating under the surface for some time and is now begging for release; I’m not sure that I can give it.  How do you articulate something that you’re not sure you understand…or are afraid to understand?

Maybe it started with knowing that I’m knocking on 40 years old pretty hard.  It’s not as far away as I think.  My life is drastically different from what I imagined it twenty years ago.  I was supposed to be well into twenty years of sharing a life with the love of mine.  We were supposed to be well into our child rearing years with the oldest entering high school at least.  Working as a nurse was supposed to be my adult outlet and a way for me to help contribute to my family.

It was to be a good, sensible life.  Very acceptable and rubber stamped.  It was the way life in my circles was supposed to be.  I would’ve loved it; I know I would’ve.  And it was truly what I wanted…at least in part.

See…and this is the part I’ve kept hidden away in the darkest corner of my heart…long before this, I had another dream.  One that wasn’t so rubber stamped and would’ve been found frivolous and unsuitable by those in my life.  One I tucked away like a good little girl and pretended it didn’t kill a part of me to lose.  Because I was always a good little girl, and whining or pining over it would’ve been frowned upon.  It haunts me and hurts as much today as it hurt back in January of 1990 when it happened; when my dream of being a musician was taken from me because the adults in my life decided for me, and I didn’t get a say.

As I write that sentence, I feel petty and vindictive, even now.  I feel like I should be over it.  But that would be a whole ‘nother post to delve into all that.  The point is, nothing I’ve ever planned or wanted for my life is any part of my life right now.  I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m right where I am supposed to be and doing what God wants me to do, and I know that that’s true….to a point.  I want to believe that wholeheartedly and be whole, but part of me has to wonder…

Are you following God’s will, or did you just check out and let life happen to you?  As a Christian, are you even allowed to think like that?

There’s the crux of the matter.  That’s the seamy underbelly of what I’ve been afraid to even turn the light on never mind give thought to.  Has all of my life been fake?  A façade?  A pretty store front for everyone to look at and approve of?  If so, how do I step out of that façade store front and be real and present?  How do I say, “Yes.  That hurt me,” but still move on?  Move on for real and have a real life?  How do I really live life and not just survive it?

How do I even pray about that?

Yesterday I was having dinner with my sister who is fourteen years younger than I, and she said that I was an inspiration to her.  On one hand, it touched me deeply because she had never said that to me before, and I don’t usually think of myself in those terms.  I’m just me; not trying to be an inspiration to anyone; not believing that there is anything that they’d want to aspire to.  But on the other, I knew how I’d been feeling.  I know how I feel about my life, and all I could think was, “I don’t deserve that.  She has no idea how much I’m questioning myself.”  I made one resolution for this year right then and there:

To figure this out.  To figure out how to be real, how to have a real life instead of coasting through and waiting for…whatever it is to happen at the end, I guess.

Jesus, you’ll have to help me.  I’ve been hiding from this for so long.  I’ve been hiding from you.  It’s obvious that I can’t do this on my own.  Keep me present.  Keep me leaning on you, and teach me what I need.  ~ Amen.

PCOS by Biggest Loser 11’s Olivia and Hannah

I don’t know how many of you watch “The Biggest Loser” on TV (a new season is getting ready to start on Monday, BTW).  I don’t watch it religiously, and I didn’t watch Season 11 when Olivia and Hannah went one and two, winning the whole thing as, Team Purple.  But, I’m so glad I’ve found their MyFitspiration channel on YouTube.  I love their story of faith, and their success in their weight loss while battling PCOS is  major inspiration to me.

If you have PCOS, I hope you will find some inspiration and will enjoy this video also.  I really hope they are able to do more videos talking about this subject as they plan to.  🙂


What I Wish Our Girls Knew

I wish our girls knew that this is OK….

By Kyle and Kelsey


Girls, love and respect yourselves.  Even when it’s hard–especially when it’s hard.  Don’t give in because the world says you should. 

I know it’s hard.  I do it everyday.  And I have people in my own family who think my sister and I–and our brothers,too– are…innocent, sheltered, not at all street smart…and they pity us a little–even though they never actually say it to our faces. 

It’s hard not to buy into that message, hard not to start believing that maybe they’re right.  Maybe there is something wrong with me.  It’s hard not to believe that anyone I meet wouldn’t understand and would think I’m weird too.  That maybe trying it their way wouldn’t be so bad. 

But at the end of the day, I’m Me…for better or for worse.  I can’t do it   someone else’s way; it has to be mine. 

And maybe–just maybe–that’s not so bad. 


He is Risen ~~ All Things Are New

I know not everyone is religious, Christian or celebrates Easter in a religious way, but I am and do, so please indulge me as I take a moment to honor this Easter Sunday in one of my favorite ways: with music.



While Easter is foremost a solemn religious holiday for me, it also marks the long awaited beginning of Spring.

And trust me, Spring is always long-awaited in my family.  😉

It seems appropriate that the rising of Christ from the dead should mark the beginning of a season of new life.  It gives me so much joy and peace to look around me and see the grass turning green, the budding of trees, blooming of Daffodils and to watch robins fly around with nesting materials in their beaks.  It is refreshing to feel the rains that come and think of the growth that they will bring.  Feeling the warmth of the sun on my body feels like a balm to my weary, winter-worn soul, symbolizing that even the most difficult of times have a blessed end.

Spring makes me wonder what will be new in my life.  What kind of growth will I go through this season?  What new things will I experience to facilitate that growth?  At another time, the thought may bring with it a feeling of dread and apprehension, but not in Spring.  Spring gives that notion a feeling of hope, a dream-like quality that says, “All things are possible.”

And I can’t wait to see what they are!

Happy_Sprin cgSpring Wallpapers 15Happy Spring!